August 17th, 2021
When we went to the OB on the 2nd and our baby measured smaller than expected, they had told us to come back in two weeks to recheck their size. I laid on the ultrasound table, praying our baby was bigger, but also expecting the worst.
“Do you remember how last time I told you the movement we saw was the heartbeat? I’m not seeing that this time.”
These words will haunt me forever.
Our baby no longer had a heartbeat. Our baby hide died in the one place it was supposed to be the safest.
I was in shock. I felt as if every last breath had just been ripped from my chest. I questioned everything and everyone.
“What did I do to deserve this?” “Why did God do this to us?” “What could I have done to change this outcome?”
They ushered us into a different room than we had been in for our first visit. This room had plain, white walls instead of the soft yellow the other room had. It was cold, and uninviting. I sat there feeling as if one thousand things were running through my head, but also as if there was absolutely nothing going through my head.
I couldn’t talk. I felt as if I could barely breathe. She told us that based on the measurements, our baby's heart likely stopped just a few days after our first appointment. She told us it wasn’t our fault. She told us that it was likely something in the development of the cells that just didn’t form correctly that caused us to miscarry. She told us about our options, options that I never knew existed until that day.
She told us that since it had been almost two weeks since the baby’s heart stopped beating, she didn't think that my body would miscarry on its own. She told us that I could use a medication to start the miscarriage or I could do the D&C surgery.
I left there with more questions than answers. I left there feeling like it had all been a nightmare. I left there feeling as if my world had just been ripped apart.
That day we repeated the process of telling our parents, friends and family our news. Except this time it was some of the worst news imaginable. We both decided to stay home from work that day since our appointment had been first thing in the morning.
I stayed on the couch all day. I watched tv, but if you would have asked me at the end of the day what had happened during any of the episodes I watched I couldn’t have told you. My eyes were open, but my mind was shut down. I cried, I slept, I cried some more.
We went to dinner at my parents. It felt good, felt normal after the day we had had. I went to bed that night, praying it had been a mistake, praying for a miracle, praying it had all been a nightmare.
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